I left my x 5/6 years ago due to us both arguing,
I was seeing my kids for a year always had to argue to get to see them but saw them had them stay every week etc then x started to refuse me seeing them ,
Months went on mediation was turned down twice b4 I got to court so at this stage 3/4 months had passed no contact with my children ,
I went to court x played DV card no reports of this b4 no police records nothing , on 1st day hearing she said no further action on the DV as there was none , and change it to DA , cafcass get involved to do sec7 reports all my children said don't want see me ,
Anyway long story short now 4 years down the line I still only have indirect contact ,
Even tho there's been reports and evidence of PA no charges against me no criminal record clean drink and drugs tests , txt message from children saying they want to see me etc etc
Never had a fact finding hearing
the mother will simply not support any contact or move forward and the kids don't want to upset her ,
How do you get to see your kids if they are telling the professionals they don't want to see you
Unfortunately no, it doesn’t have to take place. I was in same position, lots of false allegations made to which I had proof that showed none of it was true. I had to submit my evidence (to both the Court and my ex’s solicitor) days before the final Fact Finding hearing. I leant some extra money to pay for a barrister to attend the FF hearing with me on the advice of my solicitor. Got to court on the morning of the hearing, and received a note via my ex’s solicitor saying that she didn’t want to go through with the hearing and it was cancelled. Still had to pay my barrister for the day, for nothing more than sitting in the court waiting room with me for 30mins. I wanted desperately to go ahead with the FF hearing still, because I had such a strong, compelling case. But, once the ex withdrew there was nothing I could do.
LITTLE MARY, THE SWITCHER
Little Mary was now 6 years old, getting bigger everyday. Mommy and Daddy had said
something about a divorce, whatever that is. Mary noticed Mommy and Daddy had a hurt look,
like a real bad stomachache or something. Mary checked her own tummy and noticed it didn’t
feel too good either. Then Daddy moved to a condo, whatever that is. Everything seemed
different. The world just didn’t feel the same anymore. Nothing seemed to besolid.
But Mary knew what to do. It is what she always did whenever therewas any kind of trouble.
She had felt ever since she was a baby that she was the love in the family. The bigger the
trouble, the more Mommy and Daddy loved her, and the more she loved them. Love is great
medicine for stomachaches and all sorts of hurts. So Mary knew her job now. She would love
Mommy and Daddy with all her might. “Who knows,” she thought, “if I love strong enough
maybe Mommy and Daddy will love each other and get back together.”
Then one day after kite flying with Daddy, she was in the back seat of the car on the way back to
Mommy’s. She loved kite flying and had had a wonderful day with Daddy. All of a sudden she
got the urge to fly one more kite. “Daddy,” she said, “do you still love Mommy?” Daddy did
one of those deep breath things, and she thought she heard a gulp. Then Daddy said, in not his
regular kite-flying voice, “Well no, sweetheart, Daddy and Mommy don’t love each other
anymore. That’s why we are having a divorce.” Mary didn’t like that answer. It sort of hurt,
and Daddy didn’t sound too good either. Mary knew what to do: time to show some love. She
waited for a few moments for her tummy to settle and her heart to gear up. Then she asked,
“Daddy, would you like me to live with you?” Daddy sure wasn’t answering questions as fast as
he usually did. Finally Daddy said, “Of course, pumpkin, I would love for you to live with me. I
will always be your Daddy. But Mommy and I have decided thatyou will live at Mommy’s and
we will share you.” Mary knew kite flying was over for that day. She noticed they were just
passing McDonald’s and she got Daddy to drive through for some fries.
The very next day, Mary was in the back seat of Mommy’s car. They were going shopping.
Mary had been a bit cranky since leaving Daddy the evening before. She didn’t like her bath that
evening, and she didn’t like what Mommy fixed for breakfast. She complained to Mommy that
her feet were hurting from kite flying, because Daddy made her run too much. And the kites
wouldn’t fly. They kept crashing. Kite flying was no fun. Then Mary looked out of the car
window and saw they were passing McDonald’s. She blurted out what was on her mind.
“Mommy, Daddy said he hates you.” Mommy put both hands on the steering wheel and
stiffened up, like she was getting ready for an accident. Then the other thing popped into Mary’s
mind. “Daddy wants me to live with him,” she said. Mommy seemed quiet for a few moments,
and then asked Mary how her sore feet were feeling. When they got to the toy store, Mary did
not go anywhere near the kite section. She headed for the dolls. And she thought maybe she
needed a new pair of runners.
The very next day, Daddy’s lawyer got papers from Mommy’s lawyer. Mommy thought it best
Mary not see Daddy quite as much.
Mary kept going back and forth between Mommy and Daddy, but it didn’t feel the same. She
noticed they never smiled at each other or talked to each other. Shedecided that stirring the pot
and flying kites were not good ideas. She went back to the one thing she was good at—loving.
It wasn’t easy anymore. She had found she couldn’t love Mommy and Daddy at the same time.
She had to take turns. And she had to be careful what she said. She found it was easiest if she
just forgot all about Daddy when she was with Mommy, and vice versa. The transfers were a
very hard time. Mary dreaded them. It was so hard to change herheart and her love from one to
the other. She always looked hopefully for a smile between her parents. But this never
happened. They hardly looked at each other, and they spoke little. They smiled only at her,
never at each other. When Daddy got her a pet hamster, she named it Smiley.
No one noticed it, not Mommy or Daddy or even Mary. But something was happening to
Mary’s memory. Her memory started to change the same as herheart did, as she went back and
forth between her tense, unsmiling parents. When she was with Mommy, she never could
remember all the fun she had with Daddy, kite flying, wrestling, going to the zoo and
McDonald’s. All she could remember with Mommy was her sore feet, or how her arm got
twisted and her hair pulled when wrestling, or how cold the zoo was, and the hot fries burnt her
tongue. When she was with Daddy, she couldn’t remember what good times she had with
grandma, or how nice it felt when Mommy made her favorite cookies, or did her hair, or tucked
her in at night. All she could remember at Daddy’s was when Mommy yelled at her, and
grandma said he was mean. (Well, she wasn’t sure grandma actually said that, but it sure felt
that way.)
Mary used to love the telephone. She learned to dial when she was onlyfive. Now she hated the
phone. Each time it rang, it jolted her, or gave her a little pain in the tummy. Sometimes
Mommy and Daddy would talk to friends on the phone and say bad things about each other.
This hurt Mary’s heart and confused her. Sometimes it was Mommy or Daddy who called.
Mary could tell because the one who answered the phone got tense, stopped smiling, and didn’t
say much. Unless it got to be an argument. When the call wasfor Mary, she didn’t know what
to do or what to say. She hadn’t had time to change her heart and her memory. She tried to
avoid going on the phone. When she did, she didn’t say much. Mommy and Daddygot more
and more tense with each other. Mary knew in her heart that it had to do with her.
One day Mommy explained that the judge, whoever he is, wanted everyone to go see the divorce
doctor. The divorce doctor was going to see how Mary was doing, what she was feeling, and
then help Mommy and Daddy find the best way to share her. Mary felt something heavy was
going on, like when there is a big secret and it is bad.
The divorce doctor was nice enough, but Mary was taking no chances. She was careful,
especially when he asked questions about Mommy or Daddy. But he talked about the family
differently from everyone else. He seemed to respect both Mommy and Daddy. Most of all, he
seemed to know what it was like to be in the middle, to go back and forth, and to have your heart
and memory change. He smiled a lot. Mary felt he could understand. After awhile, she was
having great talks with him, and found herself actually putting her confusing feelings into words.
Most of all, the doctor seemed to know what Mommy and Daddy didn’t know—thather heart
and memories actually changed as she went back and forth.
And so, when the divorce doctor asked Mary how she did it, how she managed to go back and
forth and change her heart, she told him the secret game she had invented. She said, “It is
simple. I go end to end.” “End to end?” the doctor asked. “Yeah,” Mary explained, “Like those
games they play on television—basketball or football. There are poles at each end. First you
play at one end and then you play at the other end. You just switch.” “Switch?” the doctor
asked. “Yep,” Mary said, running from one side of the office to theother. “You switch sides.
You go back and forth. First one side, one pole, then the other.” “But how do you do it?” asked
the doctor. “You mean you change uniforms or something?” “No, silly,” said Mary. “You
don’t change clothes till you have already switched sides. You switch in your heart. Nobody
can see it. But I can feel it.” Mary put her finger on her heart. “Oh,” said the doctor, “I see.
You are a switcher.” “You got that right,” Mary replied, pleased that someone finally seemed to
understand. “I see,” said the doctor, “you are a very smart little girl. So tell me, when do you
switch?” Mary did not hesitate. “That’s easy, McDonald’s.” “McDonald’s?” puzzled the
doctor. “Yep. There’s a McDonald’s right between Mommy’s house and Daddy’s house. I
keep my eyes open and when we pass the McDonald’s, my heart starts to switch. By the time I
get to the house, it is all done. And I am ready for the other end, the other pole.”
The divorce doctor went on to ask Mary about her memory changing. She hadn’t really been
aware of this or thought about it. It was a bit awkward, maybea little embarrassing, for Mary to
talk about this. She was afraid someone would think she had been lying. Mommy and Daddy
were always arguing about truth and lies. But the doctor seemed to know it was about memories
and feelings really changing, about switching, and not about lying. Mary felt a huge burden
leave her when this was understood and put into words.
Mary and the divorce doctor agreed that the end-to-end game, the switching, would not be
necessary if Mommy and Daddy could smile at each other, be friendly and nice, and talk to each
other.
Gary J. Kneier, Ph.D.
Please Google Mary the switcher by Dr Gary kinear it might help
I feel you pain completely, I am going through court representing myself after my ex has manipulated the days I had the children down to nothing for more maintenance, I now haven't seen my children for 3 years. My children still see my parents and we have had cards and letters saying that they want to see me and my new family, my ex has even blocked my number, my new wife's number and eldest stepson (they were chatting back and forth) controlling behaviour and alienation. I am waiting an outcome of a section 7 report I just hope my ex hasn't got to the children before this. I have a second hearing at the end of jan. I am hopeful I will at least be able to text and maybe see them but the whole court system is broken people should not be able to do this and shared care should be at the forefront. Every child has the right to see both parents irellivent that they may hate each other. It's about the children not the parents! Keep the faith we wil see or kids again
Mate I'm having the same. My daughter texts to say she doesn't want to see me but the wording isn't that of an 11 year old. I seen her a few hours Xmas day and she said she was happy to stay but would go home. I seen me and my family are being blocked from seeing her WhatsApp posts. She unblocked us and as soon as she went home we were re blocked and she's back to saying she doesn't want to see me. Won't reply to messages etc. I feel like she's scared to be honest with mum or it's not her on the phone in the 1st place. I already found out her mum was reading her messages from me and closing the app so my daughter wouldn't see notifications and that her mum has told her I'm a stalker etc etc even though this is false and her attempt at getting me arrested for false allegations backfired and i made her look stupid by having proof she was drhe one social stalking etc. it's mental that the system still favours these people when they can be so twisted
Oh my goodness, so sorry to hear this.
I have a fact finding hearing in March. Surely this will have to take place if allegations of abuse have been made?