What to Say to an Alienated Child.

Adopting a gradual, consistent, and patient approach is one of the most effective methods to reconnect with an estranged child.

Progress through small steps and be prepared to address any issues that may surface during the process.

What you communicate depends on the specific situation, but there are certain universal principles for speaking with an alienated child.

It’s not solely about what you say; listening to your child, respecting their perspectives, and collaborating to rebuild your relationship are also crucial parts of the journey.

In this article, we examine the best strategies for communicating with an alienated child, including what should and shouldn’t be said.

Reconnecting with an Alienated Child

Reconnecting with a child after a period of alienation can be challenging.

The approach should be tailored to the specific circumstances.

However, certain things might be helpful to communicate to a child in this situation.

1. Be honest about the situation in cases of parental alienation.

When the other parent has caused alienation, perhaps through abduction or misuse of the family court system or domestic violence procedures, the situation can be particularly tough.

The alienating parent may have spoken negatively about you, leading the child to believe you are a bad person.

This can result in feelings of anger, resentment, or mistrust from your alienated child.

Address the child's concerns and feelings directly.

Let them know you understand their emotions and are there to support them.

Validate their feelings and reassure them that it is normal to have doubts and concerns after experiencing parental alienation.

Provide accurate information to counter false statements made about you, but do so sensitively.

Children may struggle to accept new information that contradicts what they’ve previously been told.

It may take time for them to adjust to new information.

Be patient and avoid pressuring the child to change their feelings about you too quickly.

Be consistent and persistent in your efforts to reconnect.

Demonstrate through your actions that you are committed to being a positive and loving parent.

2. Express remorse for any mistakes or behaviours on your part.

Admitting to any actions or behaviours that may have contributed to the alienation is crucial for rebuilding trust.

It can be difficult to acknowledge mistakes, but taking responsibility can show your child that you are committed to making amends.

When expressing remorse, be specific about what you did wrong and how you plan to make amends.

Avoid making excuses or blaming others.

Focus on your behaviour and feelings about it.

Be sincere and genuine in your apology, and avoid being defensive or dismissive of your child's feelings.

Remember, expressing remorse is not a one-time event.

Regaining trust is an ongoing process.

You need to consistently demonstrate your remorse through actions and behaviour over time.

Be prepared to work on yourself and the relationship with your child, even when it is challenging.

3. Assure the child of your love and desire to be part of their life.

Children need to feel loved and valued, and to know their parents want to be involved in their lives.

This can help counter feelings of rejection and abandonment that may have arisen during the alienation period.

When expressing your love and desire to be part of your child's life, be specific and genuine.

Tell them how much they mean to you, how much you miss them, and how much you look forward to spending time with them.

You can also show your love through actions, like sending cards, small gifts, or arranging special time together.

Be realistic about the current state of the relationship.

Manage expectations, as returning to normal immediately might be impossible.

It can take time for the child to trust and open up to you again, especially if the alienation has been prolonged.

Be ready to listen and be patient.

Show that you understand the reconciliation process may take time and that you are willing to be there for the child and work through any issues that arise.

4. Listen to the child and acknowledge their feelings about what happened.

Children often have pent-up emotions due to alienation and may need someone to talk to in order to process and understand what has happened.

When listening to your alienated child, give them your full attention and avoid interrupting or dismissing their feelings.

Let them express themselves freely, even if you disagree with what they are saying or find it difficult to hear.

Validate their feelings and let them know their emotions are important and that you understand and care about how they feel.

Provide a safe space for your child to talk by avoiding judgment, criticism, or negative reactions to what they share.

This will make them more likely to open up.

Acknowledge the pain, hurt, and disappointment they’ve felt due to the alienation.

The healing process may take time, and your child may not be ready to talk immediately.

Be patient and let them know you are available to listen whenever they’re ready.

5. Be open and honest about your feelings and intentions.

Children need to know where their parents stand and what to expect to feel safe and secure.

Be specific about your feelings and intentions, and avoid being vague or evasive.

Be clear about your expectations for the relationship going forward and be willing to set boundaries as necessary.

This can help create a sense of stability and predictability for the child.

Also, be honest about your own limitations and realistic about what you can and cannot do for both yourself and the child.

6. Commit to building the relationship.

Reconciliation after alienation can take time and may be a difficult process.

Be patient and persistent in your efforts to repair the relationship, and be willing to work through any obstacles that arise.

Be open to making changes in your behaviour and actions that may have contributed to the alienation.

Also, be receptive to feedback from your child about what changes they would like to see from you.

This can demonstrate your commitment to making things right and building a better relationship.

Seek help if necessary.

If the alienation was caused by specific issues like substance abuse or anger management, it may be beneficial to seek help from a therapist or counsellor to address these issues and learn new ways of interacting with your child.

Approach reconciliation with a mindset of long-term investment in the relationship, rather than expecting immediate results.

Be prepared to invest time, effort, and emotional energy to heal the relationship and regain your child's trust.

Consistency, understanding, and patience can help build a strong, positive relationship over time.

Communicating with an Alienated Child

In situations where children are separated from their family due to a contentious divorce or separation, the circumstances can be very challenging.

The lingering emotions parents have about their former partners can complicate the situation and make conflict-free communication difficult.

What the "Resident" Parent Should Do

The parent with whom the child resides should always aim to be kind and fair when discussing their former partner in front of and with the child, regardless of the circumstances.

This also applies to the "resident" parent’s former in-laws (the child’s grandparents, aunts, and uncles).

When safe and reasonable, permit the child to visit the estranged parent or their family.

Ensure the child never feels responsible for the estrangement.

Connection Strategies for Alienated Parents

If alienated parents find themselves completely disconnected from a child due to a contentious separation, they should continue communication through letters and send birthday and holiday gifts, using a third party if needed.

It is advisable for family members in this situation to keep copies of letters and cards to show the child if the chance for reunification arises in the future.

These demonstrate that you never forgot them and that you cared for and loved them.

It is crucial to remember that a child alienated from one of their parents and that parent’s family is in a challenging emotional state.

The child has likely heard various things about the alienated parent from different sources, which may or may not be true.

If the child questions the alienated parent about something they didn’t do, it’s important to respond, “I am sorry that you were told this about me. I have never stopped loving you.”

Be kind and fair when discussing the other parent with the child.

What Not to Say

When communicating with an alienated child, consider the child’s feelings and choose your words carefully.

Here are some things to avoid saying to an alienated child. DO NOT:

• Blame the child for the alienation. The child is not at fault for the alienation and should not be blamed.

  
  

• Criticise or speak negatively about the other parent. Even if the other parent is responsible for the alienation, avoid negative remarks about them, as this can further reinforce the child’s negative feelings towards the alienated parent.

  
  

• Be pushy or forceful about a relationship. Be patient and understanding. Don’t pressure the child into a relationship before they’re ready.

  
  

• Judge or dismiss the child’s feelings. Alienated children may have complex emotions and experiences. Be understanding and empathetic, not dismissive or judgmental.

  
  

• Make false promises or encourage the child to act against their will. Don’t make false promises to the child and never encourage them to do something that goes against their wishes.

Remember that the child has endured a difficult situation.

Reconnecting with a parent they’ve been alienated from can be a sensitive process.

Be cautious with your words, and be mindful of the child’s emotional state.

Avoid actions or statements that may further alienate the child.

Explaining Estrangement From Family Members to a Child

Explaining estrangement to a child can be challenging.

Our emotions and the child’s ability to grasp the concepts can make it more complex.

Even adults find family estrangement difficult to comprehend.

Research indicates that estrangement often occurs when one adult has significant personality and interpersonal issues.

A useful way to explain this is by saying, “grandpa [or whoever] isn’t good at getting along with people.”

Checklist for speaking to a child about a parent they’ve never met

Consider how to talk with a child about a parent or relative they’ve never met.

This situation can arise when a parent leaves the family when the child is very young.

As always, questions should be answered honestly and simply, at an age-appropriate level.

1. Simple statements work best. For young children, you might say, “Your Mum left our family when you were little. She loved you but wasn’t able to be a mum.”

   
   

2. Allow the child to process the information in their own way.

   
   

3. If asked about the parent’s whereabouts, be truthful without being overly specific. For instance, if you know where the parent is, you could say, “We know where your mum is, but she’s still unable to get in touch. Being a Mum is still too hard for her.”

   
   

4. Ensure your response never makes the child feel responsible for the situation. It is never the child’s fault if a parent chooses to leave.

   
   

Sometimes family members are estranged due to extreme conflict, often involving abuse or untreated mental illness.

In such cases, one family member may choose separation to protect themselves and their child from a harmful relationship.

Again, let the child ask questions and answer honestly and simply.

If the child wonders why they no longer see the relative, it’s appropriate to say, “We don’t see your grandparents because grandpa hurt me when I was young.

I am still frightened and want to keep you safe.” If your child seeks more details, it’s okay to say it’s too difficult to discuss.

If your child becomes scared, reassure them: “There is nothing to be frightened of now. I protected myself and I will protect you as well.”

Simple, straightforward statements are most effective.

When substance abuse is a factor

Many parents find it hard to explain estrangement due to substance abuse, especially if the child already has a relationship with the relative.

For school-aged children, you can explain that the adult is using drugs or alcohol that are harmful and change their behaviour.

Using the concept of safety can help children understand better.

Explain that the relative’s actions when using substances are unsafe, and stress that you want the child to be safe, helping them grasp the cause and effect.

This explanation can reassure children, as they often sense when situations are unsafe.

Children are often more perceptive than we think and may have noticed changes in a family member’s behaviour.

It’s important to validate their experiences.

Above all, when discussing family estrangement with your child, reaffirm that the child is loved.

Remind them, “you are the best person. It’s not your fault that your [relative] doesn’t see you. Everyone who knows you loves you very much.”

When Your Child Has Been Brainwashed

An alienated parent can only work within the child’s limits.

You cannot, for example, engage in psychological warfare or overwhelm your child with new information.

Rebuilding the relationship gradually and healthily is the only way forward, even if the results seem unsatisfactory.

By showing yourself to be different from how you’ve been portrayed, your son or daughter may eventually reconsider their opinion of you.

They might also realise they haven’t been told the truth.

You have the right to present yourself positively and shouldn’t shy away from discussing what the alienating parent did.

Children deserve honesty.

However, pushing your virtues and innocence onto your child or heavily criticising the other parent is likely to backfire.

Making contact

• Consistent communication. Keep regular, non-intrusive contact. Send letters, emails, or small gifts to remind the child of your presence and love. Ensure your messages are positive and focused on the child’s interests and well-being.

• Respect boundaries. Be mindful of the child’s comfort level and respect their boundaries. Pressuring them to respond or engage can create further resistance.

During visits

• Create an inviting environment. Prepare before each visit so your home is welcoming. Even if your child is wary of you, they can enjoy the environment you provide.

• Follow visitation arrangements. Let the child know that any visitation arrangements will be respected. It’s not up to a child to decide who they prefer to be with at any given time. For stability, everyone needs to adhere to orders or agreements unless both parents agree to changes.

• Warm greetings and goodbyes. Always have a warm greeting and goodbye, and engage in good conversation during each visit. These are key to making visits worthwhile and repeatable.

Moving Forward

Rebuilding a relationship with an estranged child requires a thoughtful and patient approach.

It is essential to communicate openly, validate their feelings, and demonstrate genuine love and commitment over time.

By following the outlined strategies, including being honest, expressing remorse, and actively listening, parents can gradually mend the emotional distance.

While the process may be challenging and require consistent effort, the potential for reconnection and healing makes it a worthwhile endeavour.

Ultimately, fostering a supportive and understanding environment will pave the way for a stronger bond moving forward.

In need of help or support?

If you are an alienated parent reading this article and feel you are in need of help and support then please make sure to join PAPA today by signing up here on our website, completely free.

This will give you access to our community support forum as well as our Resource Centre, which includes free downloadable guides to help through the process of being alienated and regaining contact with your children.

We also have a free to use Facebook support group that you can join here.

Our Facebook support group has several dedicated chat rooms where you can get immediate support.

If you are a member of PAPA you can also send us a message here on the website and we will try to get back to you as soon as possible but please bear in mind, we have hundreds of messages weekly so it may take us a while to get back to you.

Regardless of circumstance you are not alone and at PAPA we are here to support you.

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