What it means to be a Father.

With Father’s Day fast approaching I wanted to reflect on what being a father has meant to me.

Becoming a father has been the most rewarding and important thing to ever happen to me.

Parenting has truly transformed me into a more compassionate and understanding individual, a journey that has unfolded in parallel with my son's growth.

The experience of raising a child has been incredibly enriching, presenting me with a myriad of challenges and joys that have shaped me in profound ways.

Each day brings new lessons and opportunities for personal growth, as I navigate the complexities and nuances of parenthood.

Witnessing my son's development and being a part of his life has not only deepened my sense of responsibility but has also instilled in me a greater sense of empathy and patience.

It's a journey that's been filled with ups and (out of my control) downs, but the rewards of watching my son thrive and witnessing the bond we share continue to fuel my commitment to being the best parent I can be.

Most fathers will tell you similar, those of which who are as fortunate as me to be there for their child.

Being a father should have been my right and should be every child's right (to have a father). Sadly many fathers are alienated from their children and are fighting every day for what should be their "god given" right.

I wanted to take the opportunity this Father's Day to give some background on how I got to where I am today and some of the challenges I've encountered along the way.

Like many; finding out I was going to be a father was very unexpected.

I was still very young and I was still figuring out what I wanted to do with my life. I hadn’t even thought about children at that point.

It took me the whole pregnancy to get my head around it.

I was present for the check ups and adamant that I’d be involved but I was also incredibly anxious of how I was barely an adult myself and I was soon to be responsible for another human life.

I never met my biological father as he and my mum were both very young when I was conceived.

My sister’s biological father came into my life while I was a baby and certainly took financial responsibility for our household and “stepped up” in that sense.

However he worked away months at a time and was barely present throughout our childhoods.

Then when I was a teenager my mum remarried my “step dad”, who also had two kids of his own.

He was self employed so was able to be financially responsible for his children as well as being physically present.

Knowing my biological father walked away and seeing my sister crushed every time her biological father went away I knew I would not be an absent father, I knew I wanted to be a present dad even though I wasn’t able to picture myself as a father yet.

Of course my sister’s father and my father are very different as mine was never involved whereas hers was financially involved and present every month or two for a few days or a week.

I understand some fathers out there feel as though they have to sacrifice seeing their children growing up in order to provide for them but after seeing the turmoil she went through every time he would go away, I knew I could never do that to my son.

I also knew I would not want to miss all the milestones he’d reach.

In my sister’s father’s case; it was a choice he made but in many many cases a father is ready and willing to be present and yet they are being kept away from their children against their will.

There are millions of children going through the same and a lot worse than what my sister would go through.

Some children go their whole childhood without seeing their father.

In my step dad’s case, he was an involved father but his ex was a very manipulative and nasty person.

She intentionally would tell her children lies about him in order to turn them against him.

She was a textbook alienator and he was in and out of court with her on many occasions.

While he maintained contact with his children, over time it has got less and less due to their mothers influence and it’s sad to see as he’s the closest thing I had to a father figure growing up.

Since his children have become adults the extent of damage she’s done to them has become very apparent.

Both his son and daughter are damaged psychologically as a result of their mother’s tactics and neither have made an effort with my step dad in years.

Thanks to what I observed growing up I knew exactly what father I wanted to be even if I couldn’t imagine being a father yet.

Once my son was born I instantly fell in love.

All of my worries of not being capable instantly went away and my paternal instincts immediately kicked in.

I took on every single parental duty without issue and it was instinctual.

I was very adamant that I wanted to name my first son and wanted him to have my last name, my son’s mother agreed to that and we registered his birth together without an issue.

I didn’t know back then what issues that could cause.

I have helped countless fathers who have not registered their child’s birth and therefore have had to fight even for the chance to be a father.

Some of which have had to prove their paternity in court.

Even if like me; you were named on the birth certificate, there’s no escaping that all fathers at some point are made to feel as though they need to prove their worthiness as a parent.

There’s been a longstanding bias towards mothers in our society, that they are assumed as the primary caregivers.

Whether it be the many establishments that only have baby changing facilities in the women’s toilets/changing rooms or it be the systems and policies in place.

It’s true that mothers are alienated too and the type of person it takes to alienate is not exclusive to women, both men and women are equally capable of doing so if they are a disordered individual.

The key difference is opportunity.

It’s an inarguable fact that mothers have far more opportunity to alienate because of societal bias.

Another example of this bias is when I had to ask for written permission from my son’s mother in order to renew his passport.

This was renewing his passport for a third time after I’d already bought and ordered his other two. My son has my last name and has only ever left the country with me.

Why did I need written permission you ask. Was it due to a court order? No, it was because I put myself down as “parent 1” and that is apparently reserved for the mother regardless of our parenting arrangement.

I’ve also been asked to leave the X-Ray room when my son injured his arm. Not his mum, nor were we asked which one would like to leave the room.

I was asked as the dad to leave to which I asked why and was told only 1 person can be present and they assumed that it would be the mum.

My son would have rather had me there but even if that wasn’t the case, the assumption was not okay.

It may seem trivial and perhaps it would have been if I had not already had to fight to be in that room in the first place.

The child benefit system is still not up to speed in recognising most children live in split homes and therefore both parents should be entitled to some assistance.

I’ve never needed the child benefit from a financial perspective but some of children’s services polices are tied to this.

The child benefit system was the only thing standing in the way of me getting my son into a better primary school.

I fought all the way with children’s services over my sons primary school but ultimately lost as they “had” to put him in the school closest to the parent claiming child benefit as their policies assume that’s his primary address.

In reality he lived with me just as much but reality and my feelings were not seen as important so they put him where they “had” to regardless of the impact it would have on me and my son.

Every time I’ve been made to feel like a secondary parent it just brings back those feelings of having to fight to be there for my son and to prove that I’m a worthy parent.

I refused to ever believe I was a secondary parent but when the system stacks the odds against you, it’s easy to see how so many fathers believe they’re beaten.

As with so many other fathers, my issues began after me and my son’s mother separated.

We actually had an equal arrangement for a while until she decided it wasn’t going to work and tried to push me out.

Of course I fought and the rest is history in the fact that I’ve had an equal arrangement for a long time now.

The feelings of being kept away from my son have never left me and that’s why I kept going with PAPA.

I went through quite severe depression and I had to really dig deep in order to find the right mechanisms to cope with my grief.

I still suffer separation anxiety whenever I’m not with my son, I’ve learned to manage it over the years but it’s something I’ve experienced since.

Another symptom is survivors guilt. This is feeling guilty of “surviving” PA and having a great relationship with my son.

I’m so grateful for all the memories I’ve been able to make with my son and it means the world to me but I will always feel guilty knowing that there are so many parents and children out there desperately wishing to be reunited.

Survivors guilt is often associated with death but it’s also very real to those who have suffered abuse.

I do what I can to alleviate that guilt and PAPA plays a huge role in helping feel less “guilty” about my success in being reunited with my son.

My life is not only devoted to my son but it’s devoted to helping those affected by parental alienation.

This Father’s Day there are millions of fathers worldwide desperate to see their children but won’t be able to because of their vicious ex.

It’s hard not to feel guilty knowing I will be seeing my son tomorrow as I have done every Father’s Day since I regained contact.

I only missed one Father’s Day but it’s a feeling of emptiness that’s impossible to forget.

I hope that my story continues to give hope to those of you still fighting.

I’ve helped a lot of fathers get great results in court but even with court order in place some of those are still struggling for meaningful contact.

My step dad told me not to bother when I started PAPA because “nothing would change” and I’d “never get equal custody as a dad” and I’m glad to say he was wrong as I did get that.

Since starting PAPA and launching the Equal Parenting campaign we have seen fathers get a lot more credit and a lot better results as a general rule of thumb.

With equal parenting being recognised as in the child’s best interest the majority of the time.

However better court results haven’t always translated to better results for children with alienators being willing to break court orders as there’s no punishment for it.

We’ve lobbied for harsher punishments for breaking court orders and I’m happy to say that we are slowly seeing more punishments for this but “slow” being the operative word, it’s not been fast enough.

As men we are biologically hardwired to be protectors and providers.

Only an alienated father would know what being kept away from your children does to you psychologically.

The feeling of being unable to protect and provide for your children is incredibly overwhelming.

It automatically triggers our fight or flight response and this can have varying results.

I’ve had cases where the father has been killed by their exes family in custody disputes and I’ve known of fathers who have sadly taken their own lives due to the stress and trauma being too much.

This is one of the reasons why parental alienation needs to be recognised as abuse.

We need to make sure that no loving father is ever kept away from their children.

Research has shown time and again that fathers have a pivotal role to play in the development of a child.

As tomorrow is Father’s Day I wanted to let all the fathers of PAPA know some of the reasons why I’ll always be in your corner regardless of my personal circumstances.

I wanted to give you all some further context why I devote so much time to this cause and to hopefully give you all some hope that better days lie ahead.

I will always fight for each and every one of you because even now I experience reminders of how I’ve been treated in the past as a father.

I know how important it is to be a father and to feel like you are protecting and providing for your child.

I have that with my son after winning my battles and I’m so grateful for that.

I cherish every moment I spend with my son and I want that for all PAPA members and followers too.

I know Father’s Day will be a hard day for a lot of you but I just want you to know you are all great dads.

You are here, you are fighting for your children and you can forever be proud of that and I’m sure your children will be one day too.

You all deserve to be with your children and I will continue to do all I can to make that a reality for you.

I will be putting several hours aside on Monday to give support to you fathers out there and I’ll be making myself available on the chat rooms as much as possible on Father’s Day evening.

Wishing you the best day possible tomorrow and I’ll be thinking of each and every one of you.

In need of help or support?

If you are an alienated parent reading this article and feel you are in need of help and support then please make sure to join PAPA today by signing up here on our website, completely free.

This will give you access to our community support forum as well as our upcoming Resource Centre, which will include free downloadable guides to help through the process of being alienated and regaining contact with your grandchildren.

We also have a free to use Facebook support group that you can join here.

Our Facebook support group has several dedicated chat rooms where you can get immediate support.

If you are a member of PAPA you can also send us a message here on the website and we will try to get back to you as soon as possible but please bear in mind, we have hundreds of messages weekly so it may take us a while to get back to you.

Regardless of circumstance you are not alone and at PAPA we are here to support you.

Thank you for reading and for your continued support of PAPA and our mission to end parental alienation.