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Writer's picturePAPA

The Silent Suffering of Survivor's Guilt.

Understanding survivor's guilt in the aftermath of parental alienation and psychological abuse.



Quite often I'll receive comments or messages commending my perceived "strength" in speaking out on parental alienation and other dynamics of this abuse.


Recently that's had me reflecting on how/why I feel an overwhelming responsibility to fight against this insidious abuse.


I wouldn't say I'm stronger than anyone else who has to endure the deep emotional pain of being kept from their children and honestly, there are many members and followers of PAPA that I look up to as a source of inspiration.


Your strength is greater than you realise.


I wouldn't even say it's strength that has lead me down this path. Maybe it started the journey when I was fighting for my son but since then and since I've gained a very meaningful and fulfilling relationship, I've been motivated by other things.


One of these motives is unquestionably 'Survivor's Guilt'.


What is Survivor's Guilt?


Survivor's guilt is a strong emotional reaction where individuals feel remorse for having survived a traumatic event when others did not.


This feeling can be particularly intense among those who believe they could have done something to help others or change their situation. For example, a survivor may dwell on a parent's emotional suffering from alienation, questioning if they could have acted differently to prevent the pain.


Originally discussed in the context of wars or large tragedies, survivor's guilt also applies to deeply personal experiences, such as family conflicts.


Some statistics indicate that around 30% of individuals who have suffered emotional trauma report experiencing guilt associated with their survival.


The Context: Parental Alienation and Psychological Abuse


To understand survivor's guilt, we first need to grasp the scenarios of parental alienation and psychological abuse.


Parental Alienation


Parental alienation occurs when one parent encourages a child to reject the other parent through negative remarks or behaviours.


Consider a situation where a child is manipulated against a caring parent, leading to emotional distress.


Victims often feel deep-rooted guilt.


According to a study, 75% of alienated parents reported feelings of unworthiness and failure to protect their children from harm, exacerbating the cycle of guilt and shame.


Psychological Abuse


Psychological abuse can manifest as verbal assault or coercive control, often leading to long-lasting emotional scars.


The World Health Organization estimates that about 15% of individuals in abusive relationships suffer from psychological effects that hinder their ability to form healthy connections.


Survivors may grapple with guilt, believing others have faced harsher circumstances and thinking they should feel fortunate rather than guilty.


This mindset can be damaging, leading to isolation and impeded emotional recovery.


How Survivor's Guilt Manifests in Parental Alienation and Psychological Abuse


Here are a few ways survivor's guilt can show up for individuals dealing with these challenging experiences:


1. Persistent Feelings of Shame


Survivors might carry a heavy burden of shame regarding how they responded to their situation.


They may repeatedly ask themselves why they couldn't stop the alienation or endure the abuse.


Research indicates that around 60% of survivors report feeling an intense sense of self-blame, which complicates recovery.


2. Difficulty in Forming Relationships


Survivors may feel unworthy of love and connection.


Recent studies have highlighted that over 50% of individuals struggling with survivor's guilt find it hard to trust others, leading to emotional isolation.


This can severely limit their capacity to enjoy healthy relationships.


3. Emotional Numbness or Disconnection


Feelings of disconnection are common among those grappling with survivor's guilt.


They may feel emotionally numb, acting normally on the outside while struggling on the inside.


Many survivors report acting as if everything is fine, but underneath, they are overwhelmed.


4. Heightened Anxiety and Depression


Survivor's guilt can exacerbate mental health issues.


Research shows that individuals carrying this guilt are at a 40% higher risk for anxiety and depression.


The struggle between wanting to heal and feeling unworthy can create a negative cycle that hampers recovery.


The Impact on Healing and Recovery


To address survivor's guilt and promote healing, it’s essential to try specific steps. Here are five actionable recommendations:


1. Acknowledgment and Validation


Start by acknowledging your emotions without judgment. Understand that feelings of guilt are typical after trauma. Allow yourself to experience these emotions; they are valid and deserve attention.


2. Seeking Professional Support


Therapy can provide valuable insights into managing guilt. For instance, cognitive behavioural therapy has helped 70% of individuals in similar situations identify negative thinking patterns, leading to healthier coping strategies.


3. Reframing Negative Thoughts


Actively work on reframing how you view your experiences. Challenge beliefs that suggest you shouldn't be happy. For example, if you think, "I don't deserve to move on," replace it with "I survived, and I deserve happiness."


4. Building a Support Network


Look for support groups where members share similar experiences. Being part of a community can provide essential understanding and validation. Connecting with others can give you the strength to share your story.


5. Engaging in Self-Care


Prioritise self-care activities that promote well-being. Activities like journaling, exercising, or engaging in hobbies have been shown to improve emotional health. For instance, individuals who practice self-care report a 60% better emotional state.


How Survivor's Guilt Translates to Activism


For me personally, when I started PAPA I did so because I was being stopped from seeing my son and as a young dad I wasn't exactly sure what to do but I knew what I was going through wasn't right.


I knew my son needed me as much as I needed him.


I contacted some "non profits" who were only interested in my story and skills if I was to pay up. One supposed "non profit" that I contacted wanted over £300 just for a phone call and thousands to deal with my case.


I didn't have that kind of money so in 2016 as soon as I got off the phone with them I made the decision to start PAPA.


The idea of PAPA was always for it to be free support community where members can get free legal and emotional support and guidance.


Alongside this I wanted PAPA to be a campaign organisation that fought for legislative change.


Within months of starting PAPA I had read up a lot on family law and I had learned a lot from members and followers who had joined as well as a guy local to me called Kev, who had been through the system before.


His knowledge and experience was invaluable to me.


PAPA was fulfilling its intended purpose and I was able to regain contact with my son and ultimately reach an equal arrangement which has been in place for several years now, with my son opting to stay with me on extra days now.


Eight years ago, this seemed like a long shot at best so things can and do improve.


So this is where 'Survivor's Guilt' comes into play to some degree.


I started PAPA when I was at a very low point in my life, fighting to see my son and everyone else who joined and supported PAPA had done so because they were in a similar situation.


Some of which over time have gained similar situations to me and some sadly haven't been as fortunate.


I do feel genuine guilt and remorse for those who are still subjected to the indescribable pain of parental alienation and so I feel an obligation to maintain PAPA and to keep growing in the movement in the hopes that I can help each and every member and follower.


It's not fair that some great parents out there are still being prevented from having what me and my son now share.


Finding Resolve in Survivor's Guilt


I've described how feelings of 'Survivor's Guilt' have contributed to my feelings of responsibility and obligation to the cause but it can also work the other way.


In my years of running PAPA and helping hundreds and hundreds of members, very few have made the decision to stay and help the cause and help PAPA.


Part of that of course is the emotional toll parental alienation has on all its victims but for some it will be survivor's guilt too.


I do still speak to past members I've helped and often there's a consistent theme of them feeling guilty, they don't want to acknowledge what they've been subjected to and/or acknowledge others going through it as it makes them feel guilty of their own survival.


They prefer to focus on their own lives and find it too taxing mentally and emotionally to give back to the cause.


I think this demonstrates just how much parental alienation can destroy people and it shows that even once a person is perceived to have overcome adversity, they are still very much fighting demons such as 'Survivor's Guilt'.


There are a number of ways to cope with Survivor's Guilt as listed above.


It's important that we recognise survivor's guilt can greatly affect individuals grappling with parental alienation and psychological abuse.


Recognising feelings and employing positive strategies can help in the recovery journey.


With appropriate support and initiatives, you can move beyond these emotions and embrace the healing process. Your story reflects resilience and potential, not merely suffering.


Creating awareness about survivor's guilt can help break the silence, fostering understanding and healing in those facing such challenges.


Remember, you are not alone on this journey.


In need of help or support?


If you are an alienated parent reading this article and feel you are in need of help and support then please make sure to join PAPA today by signing up here on our website, completely free.


This will give you access to our community support forum as well as our upcoming Resource Centre, which will include free downloadable guides to help through the process of being alienated and regaining contact with your grandchildren.


We also have a free to use Facebook support group that you can join here.


Our Facebook support group has several dedicated chat rooms where you can get immediate support.


If you are a member of PAPA you can also send us a message here on the website and we will try to get back to you as soon as possible but please bear in mind, we have hundreds of messages weekly so it may take us a while to get back to you.


Regardless of circumstance you are not alone and at PAPA we are here to support you.


Want to get involved?


If you like our free resources, articles and our support networks and agree with what we stand for then why not get involved and help us push PAPA further?


We would love for you to help us spread awareness for parental alienation and all of the dynamics involved so that we can continue to help parents and children towards a better future.


Get some PAPA Supply today and help us reach many more in need of our support and also help us spread awareness so that we can help all victims of this abuse.


Thank you for reading and for your continued support of PAPA and our mission to end parental alienation.

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